When Your Brain Just Won't Let You

For months now I have been acutely aware that our accounts for 20/21 should have been made up. Last year I had three months completely off work due to Long Covid...and it didn't magically disappear either, I phased my return to work by first doing only one shift a week, followed by using a weeks holiday. Crikey, even I have a hard job remembering just how bad it actually got. Anyway what with that and the build, or rather demolish then build and living without a proper roof through some pretty nasty Summer storms and the financial burden it was a job I didn't want and honestly couldn't face. For several months I didn't even know where most of the paperwork was. Hubby had done an amazing job of stuffing everything in the part of the loft that was to remain. Good until the storms blew off some of the silage sheet that was doing it's best to protect us. Our order of slates was delayed time and time again. Fast forward to just before Christmas...I started to panic, I still hadn't sorted things out, then suddenly the accountant sent us our tax returns to approve...I was let off the hook...for a time...so though no adjustments were able to be made we were still legal...panic abated for a while, but it quickly returned as memories of the festivities faded. A few weeks ago, before my latest back episode I managed to find the inputs and outputs and bunged them in a bag. Then left them in a corner. I started to go into a near panic each night whilst trying to get to sleep. Such a big thing looming over me. But my brain just wouldn't let me do it. Strange, and rather annoying, but true. It was like I was stuck. Having had to learn to use Xero for online accounting whilst struggling with brain fog and joint pain had obviously taken more out of me than even I care to admit. Having watched the Wim Hof Freeze the Fear series, even though not doing the challenges I suddenly allowed myself a breather. It was OK. I have had a tough time. I have not failed. I will get straight. It will take time. This morning I called into our accountant with the bag of accounts. I know not everything they need is in it. But I have done the worst part. I now have a plan. Bite sized. I need to get over my fear of failing.

So for now I sit under our pergola in a very blustery garden. Tea is not on ration today. The girl has started to come good. I have printed copies of the necessary bank statements. Another step completed. Perhaps it is time we all were kinder to ourselves when we feel we have failed. Goodness...the wind whistling through our elder is making rather a menacing sound right now. The cats are finding flies to chase. They have been mostly indoor cats, as the main road we live on, although a 30 zone is greatly misused, lorries thunder by at a terrifying speed sometimes. The police like to make themselves visible when they do speed checks. I say hide and catch the -uggers! Anyway, I digress, we have invested in a radio collar system for the cats. It is laid around both our and daughters garden. We are currently training them with flags. They get a beep if they get too close. Hopefully the beep will do the trick, if not we up the game to a slight tingle. Some will say that this is cruel. However, we used such a system for many years for our dogs. It gave them so much freedom they would otherwise not have had. Wilbur especially loves to be outside, and I hope he would agree with me that a tingle during training is worth a lifetime of safe adventures. There have been stories of cats being shot and poisoned in recent years. I would hate to think either of those things happened to my precious duo.

I leave you today with a single photo...our Peony is in flower on the patio...

Blessings, J. x